i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Well, that didn’t work.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!