I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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This dude got his own movie?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
a fate I wish upon no one
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
They’re really bad with fonts.