When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
(Gaming support cat.)
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”