I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
They’re not wrong
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.