Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
lost dog
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!