Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.