I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Ironic
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.