how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Beware of fowl play.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.