I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
This kinda thing happens to me often
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.