#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.