Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.