My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
what the
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*