* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
You Might Also Like
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?