There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.