Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.