If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
🍛
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone