I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
*has no idea what a book even is*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
All excellent questions
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold