i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
peak technology
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Stop sending me this shit.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Writing, She Murdered.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie