“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Who’s your best friend?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!