“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
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*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.