[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
goldfish mafia
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.