there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
This is always good for a laugh.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Wikigenius
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.