Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I feel this so hard
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I just stopped by to water my horse.