“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
You Might Also Like
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not