Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time