DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
You Might Also Like
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Happy thanksgiving
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.