[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
You Might Also Like
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!