I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
This is hilarious….
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.