One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Just had my nails done!
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.