Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.