When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
You Might Also Like
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Monday
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.