Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
worst…sale…ever
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Good morning.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters