Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
You Might Also Like
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.