Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire