Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?