I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!