I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
selfie game
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Boom, boom, ching!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”