*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
#StillHurts
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.