M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?