Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Thank you corporation very cool
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.