That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie