One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Meow
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*