My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.