I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
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When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
So inspired right now.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
#ProTip
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.