but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few