*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?