You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?