Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
If a snake ate a cake
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
The symmetry is uncanny.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Optional boss fight.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.