Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Every. Damn. Time.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.