Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.